Characters of 8-Bit Theater
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This is a list of characters from the sprite-based webcomic 8-Bit Theater.
Note: According to the author of the comic, the names of the Light Warriors will not be changed with their change of class.
Characters
Template:Spoiler The events in 8-Bit Theater revolve around four central characters—the Light Warriors—and a number of minor ones. These characters are quite obviously exaggerated RPG stereotypes.
The Light Warriors (The Main Characters)
The characters Thief, Fighter, Red Mage and Black Mage are the main characters of 8-Bit Theater. They are collectively referred to as "The Light Warriors".
Note: The last names of the characters were originally intended to be one-time jokes and are not regularly used.
Black Mage Evilwizardington
Black Mage is a wizard proficient in dark magic but generally incapable of any beneficial or non-destructive spells. Black Mage first met Fighter after being expelled from wizardry camp for answering the question "How many 5th level spells can an experienced wizard cast?" with "More than enough to destroy you all and your families." Immediately bewildered by Fighter declaring them "best friends", his attempts to stab Fighter are continually blunted, either by the warrior's armor or some crueler circumstance (e.g.: bad aim, ketchup packets and the weakness of a mage). Black Mage is a chaotic, egotistical, power-hungry and murderous wizard who has a pathological hatred towards almost everybody (especially Fighter, but he keeps the warrior around both as a meat shield and because he just can't seem to be killed).
At one point in the story Black Mage Writes A Letter to White Mage telling her how he can't help acting the way he does stabbing Everybody and saying how he hates everything.
At one point, the Fiend of Earth, Lich, killed Black Mage by breaking his spine, sending him to Hell. There, Black Mage overthrew the rulers of Hell by removing all their spines as well as declaring himself their king. He then returned to the living world in order to rejoin the group, annul Thief's contracts and destroy his own body so that his newfound power would be safe from revocation. Lich, whom Black Mage had dragged into Hell as he was returning, prevented him from succeeding in this by repairing everyone's spines, including Black Mage's, which resulted in Black Mage being brought back to life as his regular, non-Ruler of Hell self, much to the apparent relief of the natural order of things.
Black Mage's most powerful attack, the level 9 spell "Hadoken", is usable once a day and is powered by love. Specifically, it drains love from the universe when used; Black Mage claims that the divorce rates shoot up with every Hadoken cast. Black Mage considers this a "win-win situation." Recently Red Mage had learned to use the Hadoken, barely missing the other light warriors. Also ironically, Black Mage has a fixation on the character White Mage and perpetually uses increasingly cheesy and inappropriate pick-up lines to open her heart and/or pants. Black Mage also apparently can use several other powerful spells, such as Bolt 3, Fire 3, Flare and Meteo (as evident in Episode 504) as well as Stone (as revealed in Episode 137). He also used Bolt 2 once to kill some elderly men. He can fire extremely potent destructive beams from his eyes and also once used heat vision, despite not actually having heat vision. Black Mage claims that he didn't learn a teleportation spell because "it would be one less destruction spell;" however, in Episode 504 he warps from a ship to an iceberg blocking its path in order to destroy it.
Black Mage has confirmed that he had a brother and a sister. Mention of his brother was limited to the following dialogue:
- "Almost like watching a blind child stumble through a room laced with knives and tiger pits. Except you can always push the child down if it looks like they're going to make it. Who's mom's favorite now?"
- "You killed your own blind brother?"
- "It would've been cruel to let him live after what I did to his eyes."
The only known information about his sister was that a dire elk once bit her (a Monty Python reference). There is no other information about his relatives; however, he advises that it is a bad idea to refer to any member of his family in the present tense, implying that they are all dead.
Episode 430 implies Black Mage might be responsible for the extinction of dinosaurs. In this episode, a hadoken misses its goal, but travels further through space until it reaches another planet (by sheer coincidence, in the exact same orbit on the other side of the sun), described as a place "where giant lizards rule."
Black Mage's face is always hidden; according to him it is so horrible that no one can bear to look at it, and indeed when Onion Kid caught a glance at it he went into catatonic shock. However, the audience has seen Black Mage without his hat, though still not his face (owing to a peculiarity of his "lying down" pose), so it's safe to say his hair is brown.
In the recent Flash animations by TLF and Meddros, Black Mage is voiced by Omahdon.
(First Appearance: Ep 1)
Fighter McWarrior
Fighter is a fighter specializing in swords and master of The Twelve Schools of Vargus-do Zodiac Style Swordplay. At a young age, he was expelled from Fighter's Camp '86 for failing to correctly answer the question, "How many schools of Zodiac Kenshido are there?" After leaving the camp, he was about to "give up the blade and embrace [his] true calling in life — short order cook!” before - literally - running into Black Mage. Fighter immediately bonded with Black Mage—oblivious to Black Mage's multiple attempts to stab him.
Fighter is a skilled warrior and at the same time a childlike idiot savant with an almost single-minded sword fixation. Fighter is so lacking of intelligence that at times he has menticidal abilities, lowering the intelligence of others around him with his sheer incompetence. He is the creator of the sword-chuck, a weapon consisting of two swords attached by a chain extending between the two hilts — a combination of twin swords and a nunchuck. At first this is an obvious joke weapon - not only would using it lead to severe wounds in one's hands, since nunchucks are wielded holding their ends, but the user would also be putting themselves in severe danger of being hit by rapidly moving sword blades. However, during a fight with the six-armed Fiend of Fire, Kary, Fighter realized that the Zodiac Kenshido school is the sword itself and successfully used sword-chucks to fight Kary, to a standstill, leading to her defeat. Fighter has severe arachnophobia and goes into a gibbering panic when told a spider is near or on him (as seen in Episode 065: "Run for the hills! Your swords, as shiny as they may be, are powerless against the spider's wrath!").
One of Fighter's first quests was to find the legendary "Armor of Invincibility." Thanks to a mishearing, he eventually received Matoya's "Armoire of Invincibility", which he proceeded to carry until the weight became too great and he was crushed by it, surviving only due to the fact that the bottom of the Armoire of Invincibility was made from particle board. The problem was resolved by Red Mage, who inserted the Armoire into a summoning materia (actually a Hypercube), enabling transportation at a fraction of its weight. The Armoire was later summoned from the cube when the Light Warriors confronted Vilbert, a vampire who could only be slain by a wooden stake through the heart. It has yet to reappear since that incident.
It has been suggested that Fighter may actually be more intelligent than he seems. Fighter sometimes has surprising random bursts of intellect as seen in Episode 481: When Black Mage makes jokes about the fall of Black Belt, Fighter goes into a complete structuralist analysis of why his jokes are crude and not funny. Fighter also discusses quantum theory and how it "describes how subatomic particles can pop into existence at random" in Episode 634. His inner monologue occasionally reveals moments of deep contemplation. The least that can be said is that Fighter's mind is more complex than it first appears.
Fighter has proven to posess knowledge of video games. When being questioned by Garland he goes off subject and talks about the weaknesses of enemy bosses in sci-fi shooter games. Later, when Thief says that defeating the zombie dragon will take "cunning and guile," Fighter thinks of the Street Fighter character Guile.
Fighter's voice actor in the Flash animations by TLF and Meddros is Antonio Pizza.
(First Appearance: Ep 1)
Thief, AKA Prince Elf, Clan Khee'Bler
A cunning and diabolically skilled pretty-boy thief and lawyer who was formerly known as Prince of Elfland, Thief secretly left his kingdom in order to raise money for a cure for his comatose father (unlike the game, where Elfland's Prince is the one in the coma). He mainly did so by stealing anything and everything around him, pawning it all off and sending the monies to his "overseas account". He also maneuvered Fighter into signing a binding contract over the then-forming Light Warriors, making Thief not only a member but the permanent group leader and entitling him to first dibs of everything the group discovered, especially treasure.
It should be noted that Thief's (and most every other elf's) behavior is ridiculously egotistical. This observation might best be summed up in this conversation between two elves:
- "Man, I don't have time for this. I'm a busy elf. I've got places to go, people to act superior to, and elder-than-thou attitudes to express."
- "Oh, I know! People seem to think it's easy to perpetuate these Tolkien-esque stereotypes of haughty elves. In reality it's VERY hard work."
- "Even if it does come quite naturally."
- "Which it certainly does!"
In Episode 084, it is revealed that Thief's elfish immortality, and thus the immortality of all elves is tied to the status of the forest of the Elfland kingdom. This is further developed when the four visit elf land. The situation with his father was eventually resolved, but Thief continues stealing and scamming just because he can. Being a prince, he has command of a group of law-ninja which helps him enforce the various binding contracts he has over the team. He is also the copyright holder of "Super Ultra Fine Print", an extremely tiny font which he adds to every contract in which he is held responsible for something, allowing him to opt out of it (mostly by adding the word "not" right before important actions.). Finally, he is responsible for dissolving Elfland's collection agency and instituting the I.R.S. (International Revenue Service), which collects taxes from everyone in the world and audits those who can't come through with the money.
Thief rarely fights, but if he does, he can be seen using and twirling twin knives at high speeds. He also will hang from something above him and ambush his enemies.
Thief is voiced by Rhyos in the Flash animations of 8-Bit Theatre.
(First Appearance: Ep 4)
Red Mage Statscowski, AKA Debora
This character understands that he is in a stat-based RPG and acts accordingly and fully within the rules of such a reality, often to the continued befuddlement and annoyance of the rest of the team, who remain unblessed by such enlightenment. Red Mage possesses the ability to cast both light and dark magic, including the ability to instantly disguise all the members of the Light Warriors. He places a fetishistic valuation on being as versatile as possible, citing versatility as the reason for being a Red Mage in the first place. Unfortunately, he comically almost never actually uses his magic (in order to stay as versatile as possible), justifying his choices through mind-bending illogic. Red Mage is the only Light Warrior aside from Fighter to show glimmers of a conscience (notably during Thief and Black Mage's attacks on Dwarf Land, and when Black Mage told him the true source of the Hadoken).
The "strategist" of the group, Red Mage's plans often fail horribly due to the laws of physics and the actions of other people ("Give me one hour and I'll know enough to sail us into ORBIT!...Give me SIX hours and I'll master Time Magic, then we'll have all the time we need!" (see "Episode 231" and all surrounding episodes), though his stratagems (rather surprisingly) proved successful against both of the Four Fiends the Light Warriors have faced to date. Red Mage's special talent is the rite of Stat Swap, which allows him to erase and rearrange his statistics at a moment's notice on his character sheet; Examples include giving himself a +20 in Escapology in order to get out of a trap (notably after the actual escape), or trying to heal someone as a Beastmaster ("Okay, has he had all his shots? Was his mother tested for feline leukemia?").
Red Mage has occasionally shown himself to be a closet transvestite (naming himself Debora when he's in a dress, which occurs several times), a psychological complex that stemmed from his father disliking Red Mage for being a boy. This complex is just a figment of Red Mage's imagination, induced by the manipulative prowess of Thief - at least according to Thief himself.
Recently, Black Mage used his Hadoken on Red Mage as punishment for all his failures to the team (which had lead to the team learning far too much about dragon reproduction from Bahamut). Surprisingly, Red Mage not only survived, but seemed to have obtained access to Blue Magic, as evidenced by his replication of Black Mage's Hadoken, which he promptly used on Black Mage, half in retaliation and half because he had a hard time controlling it. Black Mage survived the attack, and a second Hadoken Red Mage was seen preparing (Episode 646; a surprising move because even Black Mage is only capable of casting it once per day) fizzled.
Experiments revealed that Red Mage is actually incapable of using Blue Magic but instead merely has access to counter-magic, or has possible become a Mime; he can copy an attack fired at him once per time he sees it used. He proves this by stealing a memory cube from Thief after watching Thief steal it from Black Mage.
Starky (aka DJ StarChild) plays the part of Red Mage in the Flash Animation 8-Bit Theater 5.
Outside the comic, on the Nuklear Power website proper, Red Mage (presumably Sosa) runs an advice column, titled Twinkin' Out With Red Mage, which answers questions asked by the readers of the strip pertaining to video games, comic books, and other topics. This feature was cancelled by the end of 2004.
(First Appearance: Ep 34)
Friends, Enemies, and those they have met
The following characters have helped or hindered the Light Warriors in some way.
White Mage, AKA God
A priestess and member of Project Fate (along with the incompetent Black Belt), she is on a mission to help the Light Warriors succeed in saving the world, apparently to accomplish her destiny. There is ongoing tension with Black Mage's lustful attraction to her, resulting in her prompt violent responses (often using her hammer). White Mage was sent to the beginning of time by Sarda the Sage and inadvertently created the universe. Now, after a discussion with the young Sarda billions of years ago, she has willed herself back to her own time. White Mage is only capable of casting healing spells, which has compensated for the sheer incompetence of the Light Warriors on multiple occasions. However, she has also cast a spell known as "Holy Fire" and a lightning spell that is unnamed. (First Appearance: Ep 24)
Princess Sara, AKA Evil Princess Sara
The Princess of Corneria, the daughter of King Steve and Queen Jane and the heir to the Cornerian throne, Princess Sara has already been kidnapped about half a dozen times by the time Garland gets to her. Her rescue is the first mission that King Steve gives to the Light Warriors. Unfortunately for them, spending one's life in and out of villains' hideouts does things to a person. Sarah decided to help the incompetent Garland be a real villain; he further proved his incompetence by believing her. Since Garland is (amazingly enough) even more incompetent than the protagonists - the Light Warriors - the heroes managed to bungle their way to victory and rescue Sara with the help of some mischievous imps.
On the way back to Corneria, Fighter was treated to a display of Sara's incredible swords(wo)manship (Episode 156), and promptly declared himself in love with her - even going so far as to write her a "Haiku of Love" (Episode 164):
"I like swords and I Like Sword-Chucks but I like you Very, very much!"
Since her rescue, Princess Sara has been putting up with her father's idiocy and further developing her psychotic and vicious tendencies; it is a true miracle that her father is still alive. Recently, she (wisely) turned down an offer to take the fourth position in the then-forming Dark Warriors, which was eventually filled by Vilbert von Vampire. (She is generally seen as the comic's only truly competent character.) Like Red Mage, she also used to run an advice column on the Nuklearpower website. (First Appearance: Ep 52)
King Steve
The King of Corneria, the father of Princess Sara and a lunatic who rules his country as a capricious despot out of pure madness, he is more of a simpleton than anything else. Among other things, he has devastated his country in an attempt to drill for mana (heedless of the fact that you don't find mana that way), issued laws preventing anyone from criticizing his rule, believed he was running for election against a length of string (ignoring the fact that Corneria is a monarchy), talks to a coffee stain which he named Rodney and made his right hand man, forgets who his daughter is every time she comes back from being kidnapped and has shoes made of babies' skin ("fresh daily"). He was the one who first recruited the Light Warriors, his original plan being to send every applicant into the dangerous wilds to be slaughtered, with the survivors being the "true" Light Warriors. He was tricked by Black Mage into appointing the group after being shown the four fabled Orbs of Destiny (four recently-removed light bulbs) and being told that they were "Hot. Hot with destiny!” He also brags about having invented multiple things and concepts, such as imagination and the concept of inventing itself. He also brags about having invented Halloween and, the day after, invents Waroween, a special holiday where he sends his army to rape, murder and loot in all other countries. (First Appearance: Ep 58)
Black Belt
An extremely skilled martial artist, he is capable of defying the laws of physics by misunderstanding them (also called " being so stupid that it warps the universe"). At least twice this has led to warping the fabric of space, once even creating a second version of himself (which was promptly turned to stone by Black Mage). Black Belt was assigned to guard White Mage on her mission, but was later slaughtered when he attacked Kary, the Fiend of Fire in Gurgu Volcano.
According to Clevinger, Black Belt is permanently dead; even so, many fans apparently had a hard time accepting this and came up with various theories how Black Belt could be revived, the most persistent of which was bringing the stone Black Belt back to life. In a later episode (entitled "Now Shut Up," which seems to indicate a certain amount of frustration on Clevinger's part) White Mage did indeed try this; however, the top of Black Belt's head had eroded away by then and he merely turned into a living (albeit only for a short time) blood fountain.
Matoya
A blind witch, who sends the Light Warriors on a side-quest to regain her Seeing Crystal after feeding them poisoned nightmare-inducing cookies, promising them an antidote if they return with it. She also grants Fighter the Armoire of Invisibility, instead of the Armor of Invincibility due to her poor hearing. She is almost as greedy as Thief and one time almost tricked Thief into paying her the entire kingdom of Elfland in return for his father's cure; however, Thief managed to trick her by using Super Ultra Fine Print ("I, Thief, hereby (do not) bequeath upon Matoya the entire state of Elfland"). Recently, it was discovered that Matoya has a romantic (fornicative) relationship with Bahamut, after meeting him at the reclusive cave-dwellers convention, "Cave Con". (First Appearance: Ep 172)
King Elf, Clan Khee'Bler
King Elf is Thief's father, who was poisoned by Astos. He has a great deal in common with his son, particularly in his love of money. He has great pride in his son when he learns of Thief's new tax plan, the International Revenue Service. After waking from his poisoned sleep, he was disappointed to learn that there had been no significant technological advancements in the year he was unconscious, such as firepowder bows and hover-horses and carts, but was relieved to learn that green and brown were not out of elf fashion. (First Appearance: Ep 245)
Sarda the Sage
Omnipotent wizard, (the Wizard Who Did It) and sole occupant of the Circle Cave. Sarda sends the Light Warriors on quests to recover the Four Orbs (unlike the game, where it is Lukahn and eleven other sages who send said warriors on said quests, while Sarda merely provides an item needed to proceed). In addition, he has reversed time (a plot device to get the Light Warriors a long distance quickly) and stopped time except for himself and Black Mage, spending 734 years, 8 months, 2 weeks, and 5 days unsuccessfully trying to teach to him the concept of "self-sacrifice" after Black Mage took the words literally, ritually killing the other Light Warriors (whom Sarda revived). Sarda holds the Light Warriors to their "destiny", often using forceful means. Sarda planned to be the original creator of the universe, but White Mage got there first, ironically because Sarda thoughtlessly willed her away to a "pocket dimension" that was, unknown to him at that time, the proto-universe. When White Mage wished for some light so she could see, she accidentally created the universe. (First Appearance: Ep 300)
Dwarf King
The ruler of Dwarf Land, he decided to enlist the aid of the Bearded Warriors (who were actually the Light Warriors in disguise) when a series of fires (caused by Black Mage and Thief) threatened to wipe out his kingdom. When he tried to test their worthiness with the Four Hundred Bearded Trials of Strength, Black Mage simply destroyed the trial ground with a Hadoken and declared the trials passed. Later, when the Bearded Coastal Reserves reported that the bodies of three gigantic monsters (that Garland had summoned and Black Mage had killed) washed up on Dwarf Land's shores (which Dwarf Land does not have, as it is a landlocked nation made entirely out of mountains), he had them murdered in front of their families and blamed it on the elves because it involved less paperwork than terminating their services. Recently, during a meeting regarding the completed reconstruction of Dwarf Land, during which all the architects, engineers and scholars were left in their homes, a misfired Meteor spell cast by Black Mage destroyed it all over again.
Although his name has never been stated in the comic strips, the main designer of custom sprites (known to the 8-Bit Theater community as Sky Warrior Bob) has confirmed that the character sprite used for the Dwarf King is the same that was used in FF3j for the character "Cid," who has made an official appearance in every Final Fantasy game, with the exception of the first (though he was mentioned by the Lufenians as having created the Airship in the Dawn of Souls remake of Final Fantasy I). This, however, does not confirm the Dwarf King's real name within the comic continuity, since the author himself has not said a name ("He's made with a Cid sprite, but there's no reason to assume that his name in the comic is Cid. He's just King Dwarf."), and is not taken as canon (First Appearance: Ep 354)
Bahamut
Bahamut is the God-King of Dragons. He offers to give the Light Warriors the power of "self-realization and the power that comes with it" (i.e. a class change) in exchange for the tail of the dreaded Dire Rat. This request somehow convinced Thief that the mighty God-King was actually a hobo in disguise, owing to the "fact" that "he was just pulling a prank", "dragons don't exist" and that Bahamut desired "rat tail soup". He later zapped Thief with a spell when Thief pushed his draconic patience too far, somewhat proving that he was, in fact, a real dragon. Later, it was revealed that Bahamut does desire rat tail soup, but only because it is a potent virility drug, to be concocted by his girlfriend, Matoya. He is also friends with Raven. (First Appearance: Ep 569)
Raven
Raven is a totemistic representation of trickery. After Thief died via a mortal wound inflicted by Berserker, Raven tricked Death into bringing Thief back to life. When Thief was dead (or rather, at the brink of dying), his soul was in his own personal Hell, in which he was surrounded by wealth that was all his with nothing to steal. Thief said that he would do anything to get out of the personal Hell he was in and Raven got Thief to sign a contract which Thief failed to read closely. This is the only time that Thief has ever been out-conned. He is also friends with Bahamut. (First Appearance: Ep 581)
The Dark Warriors
The characters Garland, Bikke, Drizz'l and Vilbert are villains encountered by the Light Warriors who have teamed up to destroy them. They are collectively referred to as "The Dark Warriors," but more commonly and accurately known as the "Dork Warriors."
Garland
The first villain faced by the Light Warriors, he is not very self-confident and overanxious to please and serve his supposed "enemies". He ended up having to be assisted by Evil Princess Sara, the alter ego of the princess whom he had kidnapped. After his first failed encounter with the Light Warriors, he formed the Dark Warriors and began a propaganda campaign against the Light Warriors. He often expresses his desire to rule with "An iron, yet caring, fist." Garland is currently wrestling with trying to control his various phobias concerning forest imps, the weakest creatures in the world. Though therapy has convinced him that forest imps do not exist, the beasts still secretly torment him. Garland has the ability to summon huge creatures including a giant squid, a fifty-foot tall marmoset and an equally tall dinosaur; the origin of these abilities is unknown. He also enjoys baking cookies.
Due to his desire for causing destruction (despite his total incompetence in doing so), he would most likely be classified as the "Black Mage" of the Dark Warriors. (First Appearance: Ep 52)
Bikke the Pirate, AKA The Claw (according to him)
Bikke is the hopelessly incompetent and dim-witted pirate captain who attacked Pravoka. A very cheap man, he killed his crew by feeding them nothing but Cheetos until they all succumbed to vitamin C deficiency and then surrendered his poorly maintained ship to the Light Warriors. He would have spent the money he saved gambling if he hadn't forgotten the funds on his ship. The second character to join the Dark Warriors, he desires to be called "The Claw", despite having two functional hands. Although he is a pirate captain, he cannot swim, making him a perfect member for the Dark Warriors. Bikke is known for his intense body odor and his tendency to use cliched pirate speech, characterized, for example, by interjecting "Yar" in every sentence.
Bikke is the closest to Thief, considering Bikke robbed his pirate crew of all their money, much like Thief has done with his fellow Light Warriors, although the elf had considerably more success. (First Appearance: Ep 208)
Prince Drizz'l, Clan of the Dark Elves
A Dark Elf and the son of Astos. His name, a parody of the name of fictional dark elf Drizzt Do'Urden, translates from Elven roughly into "The Relentless Scourge." Drizz'l is a sword master equal to Fighter (although this was before Fighter gained enlightenment and used sword-chucks), whom he has fought to a standstill. He also trained and controlled the spiders of the Marsh Cave, including the deadly camel spider. After being mauled and left for dead by the Light Warriors, his swords were stolen by Fighter, who named them Stabby and Slashy and would use them later to create sword-chucks. Despite continuing to call himself a master of sword fighting, Drizz'l never actually replaced these swords.
He became the third person to join the Dark Warriors and considers himself the most intelligent member of the group (and given his teammates, it is certainly justified). He is one of the very few characters in the series with a clear head and prefers not to associate with non-elves whenever possible. (First Appearance: Ep 268)
Vilbert von Vampire
An intentionally pathetic Goth vampire, son of Lich and final member of the Dark Warriors, he is equal to Red Mage in role-playing intensity, although he prefers live action roleplaying, as contrasted to Red Mage's stat-based lifestyle. After being somehow resurrected from having the Armoire of Invincibility ("The mightiest stake in all the land!") driven through most of his vital organs, then his heart, he was invited by Garland to join the Dark Warriors, filling a position previously turned down by Princess Sara. He enjoys writing horrible cliched goth poetry; the light warriors ceased their attempts to kill him after he stopped, which may explain his reappearance in the Dark Warriors. (First Appearance: Ep 366)
Side Characters
The following characters have had their lives affected in some way or another by the Light Warriors.
Vargus
Fighter's sword instructor from Fighter's Camp '86 and master of The Twelve Schools of Vargus-do Zodiac Style Swordplay, he shows up in some of Fighter's flashbacks, such as when he recits the poem Jabberwocky to Fighter. He is a genius at sword fighting. Vargus' lessons, however, were continually ignored or misinterpreted by Fighter. It is unknown if Vargus' academy is still active. (First Appearance: Ep 13)
Onion Kid
In a running gag, Onion Kid runs into the Light Warriors and has something bad happen to him or his loved ones each time. The first time, he almost dies by catching a glimpse of Black Mage's face, and then is scarred by a death scene Black Mage had left brutally slaughtering two city guards. He also had his family killed multiple times; his real family is killed to make body doubles so the Light Warriors can avoid a plot on their lives by Astos, and his multiple foster families have over time met a similar fate. In one episode Black Mage used a Hadoken to destroy a barge filled with food and medicine for dying orphans that happened to be bound for the same orphanage that Onion Kid was staying at; the loss was blamed on him for no reason and he was kicked out of the orphanage. According to Brian, the Onion Kid is not through being tortured yet. It is interesting to note that everything that has happened to him was caused by Black Mage, although when Black Mage killed his real family he was helped by Thief. (First Appearance: Ep 41)
Queen Jane
The Queen of Corneria, she rarely ever shows up. She is much more intelligent than her husband, King Steve. She dissuaded King Steve from using his original idea to find the true Light Warriors by sending all applicants into the dangerous wilds, with only the “true” Light Warriors surviving, to keep thousands of innocent people from dying. (First Appearance: Ep 58)
Dr. Swordopolis
Dr. Swordopolis is the avatar of all things sword, taking the form of a bespectacled sword that shows up occasionally in Fighter's dreams or day-dreams, trying to tell Fighter of his fate, but usually ends up being ignored. He is also capable of altering the fabric of space-time and can possess people, apparently by inserting himself into their anuses ("There has got to be a better way to possess these people!"). The name 'Dr. Swordopolis' was made up for the purposes of negating Fighter's naïveté. Fighter thinks there is a close resemblance between Dr. Swordopolis and Doctor Who. (First Appearance: Ep 83)
The "Real" Light Warriors
The Real Light Warriors are a party made up of a Knight, a Red Wizard, a White Wizard and a Ninja (one of whom, though not the Knight, is named Barry, who is often the one who gets the others in trouble). These four warriors were supposed to be the real Light Warriors of Destiny, as each possesses an actual Light Orb. They got passed over for the job by King Steve because their orbs weren't even "lukewarm with destiny", unlike Black Mage's light bulbs. Since then, they've always been one step behind the heroes. They have been condemned to die in Elfland and then rejected as the Bearded Warriors in Dwarf Land because their facial hair was "hardly destined at all". They also appear to be working in a fast food joint. Recently, the not-so-real Light Warriors stole their boat, leaving them stranded on a lifeless ice sheet. Their sprites are the respective class upgrades of Fighter, Thief, Red Mage and White Mage. (First Appearance: Ep 87)
Akbar
Akbar is a shopkeeper and master of rip-offs. His stores consist of the following: "Akbar's Discount Amnesia Dust Outlet (NOT talcum powder!)", "Akbar's Discount Nutrinal Outlet (NOT extremely unhealthy!)", "Akbar's Discount True Guardian Outlet (NOT pathetic creatures!)", "Akbar's Airships (NOT deathtraps!)", "Akbar Shop O' Magic (NOT one single fraudulent item!)" and "Akbar's Very Effective Witness Protection Program (NOT utterly useless!)". A reference to Matt Groening's Life in Hell character, Akbar. Akbar delights in selling items that break nearly immediately. He has sold many different flukes to the various light warriors, including his amnesia dust and (almost) an airship. (First Appearance: Ep 144)
The Messenger and Elite Royal Guard Hank
A running gag that started early in the comic, when the Light Warriors were returning Princess Sara to the kingdom of Corneria. Several rangers and scouts were sent out to search for the returning party, but instead, they got drunk. So when one messenger returned to inform King Steve that Princess Sara had yet to be found, King Steve declared that, being the bearer of bad news, the Messenger would be put to death. He then assured the Messenger that he was joking and sent him on his way. After the Messenger left, King Steve called in Elite Royal Guard Hank and told him to "See to it that the messenger who was just in here is dead before he leaves the castle." Hank charged after the Messenger, leaving King Steve to muse, "Did I remember to tell Hank I was joking?" Occasionally, we see the Messenger deliver messages for King Steve, while still fleeing Hank, who is never far behind. (First Appearance: Ep 157)
Jeff
Jeff appeared in a few comics mainly as a counter-joke for the "Akbar Scams". He runs the store known as "Jeff's Discount Deathtraps (Not to be confused with actual airships)" and the Deathtrap becomes the Light Warriors' main mode of cross-continent transport. They chose Jeff over Akbar because, as Thief said, "Personally, I'd sooner trust the deathtrap that's HONEST about its nature." Jeff is considered an unofficial fifth Light Warrior after swiftly kicking Black Mage in the head in order to get a sale. A reference to Matt Groening's Life in Hell character, Jeff. (First Appearance: Ep 315)
Gary
King Steve's left hand man (because his right hand man is and always will be Rodney the Coffee Stain), he's often disturbed by King Steve's stupidity and cruelty. He's been called "Lefty" by King Steve. However, as the king's left hand man, he feels obliged to help the king and do whatever he is told to do, which often goes against what he feels should be done. (First Appearance: KST 1)
The Other Warriors
The characters Ranger, Berserker, Cleric and Rogue are another band of warriors, based on character classes from the Dungeons & Dragons games. They are collectively referred to as "The Other Warriors".
Generic Half-Elven Dual-Class Ranger
A half-elf who is very poetic and adventurous, his poetics and wit had put the charm on White Mage, making Black Mage jealous. He has a dual class, both of which is Ranger (character class); this is twice as much 'ranger' as the human body can hold, but since he's only half human, it somehow works out. As pointed out by Red Mage, Ranger, being half elf and half human, has even four times the ranger that a human can hold ("Dear lord, it's four times now! He's multiplying!"). Ranger is extremely friendly and trusting, though a bit naive. A strange story that he told White Mage implied that he was a deranged murderer. (First Appearance: Ep 435)
Berserker Axinhed
Axinhed is a normally a civilized and genteel dwarf and a great conversationalist, so long as he wears a monocle. However, he sometimes flies into a blind rage in which he only speaks three vulgar words at a time while mauling whomever may be nearby (which, two out of three times, turns out to be Thief). The first mauling occurred when Thief interrogated Ranger with a knife to his back; the second when Thief tricked Berserker into thinking Ranger was responsible for burning Dwarf Land; and the third when Thief insulted Berserker for being a dwarf. (First Appearance: Ep 437)
Cleric
Cleric is a "miracle shopper" who makes deals with the Gods. To keep an "open market", Cleric is impartial and does not have any favorites amongst the Gods, thus explaining his atheism. Cleric made a deal with a god named Raven to bring Thief back to life; in return the trickster god bestowed him with a "healing shiv", which has shown its worth in the healing of Thief (Ep 585). Of course, some side effects may include a sharp pain in the back or paralysis. (First Appearance: Ep 446)
Rogue
Not much is known about Rogue, besides his obvious similarities to Thief. He once tricked Black Mage into buying two fake Dire Rat Tails, a task of deceit comparable to the countless exploitations Thief has pulled off on just about everyone. Unlike Thief, however, who scams through legalese and contracts, Rogue draws on a supply of guys who know guys who, themselves, know guys. When asked directly if he knew a guy, Rogue responded, "That's not impossible"; apparently, he gets by on not confirming or denying anything until a deal is closed. Rogue even scams his own team for money, much like Thief does. (First Appearance: Ep 446)
The Four Fiends
The characters Lich, Kary, Kraken and Tiamat (the latter two to be added later) are very powerful evil elemental beings. They are collectively referred to as "The Four Fiends".
Lich, Fiend of Earth
Lich confronted the Light Warriors when they finally drove the Armoire of Invincibility into his son's (Vilbert) heart (although since Vilbert returned, they probably hit his "gothicular membrane"). He killed Black Mage by throwing him into the armoire, breaking his spine. Lich had put his soul into the Earth Orb, rendering him immortal, but Thief, being able to steal anything not nailed down or on fire, got it out by invoking environmental law. Red Mage then tossed Lich's soul behind him, where Fighter caught it on his sword and drove it into Lich's undead body, stripping him of his immortality. A minute later, Black Mage, now the ruler of Hell, used his newfound powers to banish Lich there. Unfortunately for Black Mage, however, Lich was able to repair the spines of everyone in Hell and take Black Mage's usurped position. As he did so, he left a message for Black Mage: "Death is but a doorway, time is but a window. I will be back!" (A quote from the movie Ghostbusters 2) Lich was last seen greeting his fellow fiend, Kary, as she entered Hell. (First Appearance: Ep 380)
Kary, Fiend of Fire
After being routed in battle thanks to Fighter's stupidity, the Light Warriors, along with White Mage and Black Belt, were brought to Kary as her lunch. Kary had just killed off the last of her minions when she opened the sack they were brought in. As the warriors (minus Thief, who'd gone to steal the Fire Orb) prepared to face her, Kary cut off their escape with a Wall of Flames. She then killed Black Belt by slicing him to pieces. While Fighter kept her busy with his newly-forged sword-chucks, Red Mage got his Bag of Infinite Holding back from Thief, who'd just returned from stealing the Fire Orb, stuffed Kary into it and cast Ice-9 (an enormously powerful ice spell and apparent reference to "ice-9" from Kurt Vonnegut's novel Cat's Cradle) into it much to Thief's dismay; Thief had filled the bag with more riches than actually exist. Ice-9 would have frozen the Universe had it been cast outside the bag, but as it was literally cast into another universe, its effects were limited to freezing the pocket universe contained within the bag. White Mage then shattered the bag with her hammer, presumably destroying the pocket universe and all its contents. Kary was last seen being greeted by her fellow fiend, Lich, as she entered Hell. (First Appearance: Ep 466)