Characters of 8-Bit Theater

The events in the webcomic, 8-Bit Theater, center around four major characters — the Light Warriors — and a number of minor ones. The characters are listed in the order they first appeared in the comic. The cast page on the 8-Bit Theater website has been replaced with a link to this article. The original version is archived here.

The Light Warriors (The Main Characters)

The characters, Black Mage, Fighter, Thief and Red Mage, are the main characters of 8-Bit Theater. They are collectively referred to as "The Light Warriors".

Despite composing the "classic" heroic party (minus a dedicated healer; Red Mage takes on this role, in addition to his other duties), the "heroes" are for the most part actually incredibly sadistic and psychotic characters and tend to do much more harm than good. Though most of this is Black Mage's fault, the other characters do occasionally go off on rampages of destruction - though Fighter often only finds himself assailing inanimate objects (like the back wall of Matoya's cave). As Brian Clevinger stated in the forum thread for Episode 686: "I'm not sure why the Light Warriors worry about obstacles or monsters standing in their way. They are nothing compared to the obstacles and monsters within the party."

Black Mage Evilwizardington

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Black Mage, before and after his class change.

Black Mage is a chaotic, egotistical, power-hungry and murderous wizard who is highly proficient in Black Magic, but generally incapable of casting (or unwilling to cast) any beneficial or non-destructive spells. His trademark spell is the "Hadoken", a highly destructive beam of energy that Black Mage can use once a day and that is powered by love. Specifically, it drains love from the Universe and turns it into destructive energy; Black Mage even claims that the divorce rates shoot up with every Hadoken cast. He is also apparently able to use several other spells, most of them from the Final Fantasy magic system. Some non-destructive spells Black Mage has used are Feather-Fall and a teleportation spell, despite prior claims that he didn't learn a teleportation spell because "it would be one less doom spell". This has been acknowledged by author Brian Clevinger, who offered: "humor trumps continuity."

Black Mage bears a pathological hatred towards almost everybody on the planet. However, he reserves a special kind of loathing for Fighter, whom he keeps around nonetheless as a meat shield. Ever since their first meeting after being expelled from their respective schools, Black Mage has made attempts to kill Fighter, most of the time by stabbing him. Due to Black Mage's physical weakness and Fighter's armor, these attempts are rarely ever successful; Fighter either shakes of Black Mage's attacks, recovers without lasting damage or, in the rare event Black Mage does succeed, gets healed later on.

Black Mage has a fixation on White Mage and is continually trying to seduce her, using increasingly cheesy and inappropriate pick-up lines in a futile attempt to open up her heart and/or pants to him. Usually, this results in White Mage smashing Black Mage with her hammer. Black Mage's behavior may be a consequence of the fact that he "only recently" started puberty, despite being in his early-to-mid-twenties. At one point in the story, Black Mage writes an apologetic letter to White Mage, telling her how he can't help acting as violently as he does and that he doesn't actually mean half of what he says. He almost succeeded in gaining White Mage's attention, until the circumstances forced him to reveal how he acquired the Hadoken (by sacrificing children) and the source of its power.

File:HellMage.png

Black Mage immediately after his overthrow of Hell.

The Fiend of Earth, Lich, killed Black Mage by breaking his spine, sending him to Hell. There, Black Mage overthrew the rulers of Hell by removing everyone's spines. He then returned to the living world in order to rejoin the group, annul Thief's contracts and destroy his own body so that his newfound power would be safe from revocation. Lich, who had been dragged into Hell by Black Mage as he was returning, prevented him from succeeding by repairing everyone's spines, then, having one of his new minions push Black Mage's soul back into his body, which resulted in Black Mage being brought back to life (much to his dismay).

While in the Castle of Ordeals, every one of the Light Warriors had to face a personification of their cardinal sin. When Black Mage met his, the representation of Atrocity, it was a replica of himself. The doppelgänger said that Black Mage was so evil that only he himself would serve as a representation of that evil. Black Mage began revealing even more sins to force his replica to become even more powerful, to the point where it even surpassed Black Mage's Hell King form. Eventually, Black Mage ended up killing it and re-absorbing the evil its death set free. He then used the doppelgänger to take self-love to a new level, which Thief later blackmailed him about.

During the time of the Light Warriors' class change Black Mage got increasingly frustrated with not being able to change class like the rest of the Light Warriors. He was granted a class change by a Dark God who unbound "the nexus" (confirming that Black Mage is actually a nexus of power born in human form, as Episode 81 hinted at), enabling him to fully change class and giving him access to the legendary Blue Magic, enabling him to learn enemies' attacks and techniques; however, to learn a new technique, he must first survive being attacked with it. See below for a list of Blue Magic spells.

Trivia

Black Mage's face is always hidden; according to him, it is so horrible that no one can bear to look at it and, indeed, when Onion Kid caught a glance at it, he went into catatonic shock, "driven insane by the very face of madness itself". All the same, Black Mage's "lying down" pose does reveal brown hair.

Black Mage has helped support the idea that Black Mages are naturally evil. He was even kicked out of Black Wizardry Camp '86 for his evilness: during the final exam, he alluded to killing his tutors and their families. Also, while most people have a good side and an evil side, Black Mage apparently has an evil side and an atrociously evil side; further, it has been stated that he killed his brother out of jealousy and it is implied that he has killed the rest of his family, as well ("Well, I wouldn't use the present tense to describe any member of my family, but yeah."). The only known information about his sister was that a Dire Elk once bit her (a Monty Python reference).

Thanks to Black Mage and Fighter's relationship, it has become common in the Final Fantasy fanbase to have a smart, yet sadistic, Black Mage be friends with a well-meaning, yet idiotic, Fighter.

Brian Clevinger has stated "Everything that happens happens to hurt Black Mage." Clevinger has also stated that this is, in fact, his intention, setting things up with one of the major goals being to put Black Mage in extreme pain.

Blue Magic spells

Note: due to the credo of "comedy trumps continuity," this is, at best, a tentative list.

• Goblin Punch: Not so much a punch as a hard kick to the testicles, Black Mage learned this when a (non-goblin) monster attacked him in this manner.
• "Spell that hurts Black Mage": Sarda the Sage cast a spell on Black Mage that made him vomit his entire digestive tract out. When Black Mage tried to cast the spell back on Sarda, he learned that "When Sadra casts a spell to hurt you and you learn that spell, you learn to cast a spell that hurts you." To be more precise, that this specific spell always targets Black Mage, regardless of caster. [1]

Fighter McWarrior

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Fighter, before and after his class change.

Fighter is a warrior specializing in swords and master of The Twelve Schools of Vargus-do Zodiac-Style Swordplay (Zodiac Kenshido for short). Skilled as he is, he is also naïve and childlike and has an almost single-minded sword fixation, as well as a short attention span. Fighter remains blissfully unaware of the fact that the Light Warriors are, viewed objectively, a group of homicidal maniacs roaming the country; instead, he honestly believes himself and the others to be honorable and just. He is so lacking of intelligence that, at times, he lowers the intelligence of others around him with his sheer incompetence. Further, Fighter's thoughts often trail off into territories of "nerd knowledge," such as Star Trek, Transformers and video games. Apart from his intellectual shortcomings, Fighter also suffers from severe arachnophobia and goes into a gibbering panic, even when he's only told a spider is near or on him. ([2], following)

Fighter had trained in Vargus' School (Fighter's Camp '86) at least since the age of six. At a young age, he was expelled from the school for failing to correctly answer the question, "How many schools of Zodiac Kenshido are there?" After leaving the camp, he was about to "give up the blade and embrace [his] true calling in life — short order cook!" before literally running into Black Mage. Fighter immediately bonded with Black Mage, despite Black Mage's multiple attempts to stab and kill him. ([3] and following) He seems to be completely unaware of Black Mage's feelings of hate towards him and, in fact, has often put himself in great personal danger to help his "best buddy" (for example, during the battle with Lich).

He is the creator of Sword-Chucks, a weapon consisting of two swords attached by a chain extending between the two hilts — a combination of twin swords and a nunchuck. At first, this is an obvious joke weapon — not only would using it likely lead to the amputation of one's own hands, since nunchucks are wielded holding their ends, but the user would also be putting themselves in severe danger of being hit by rapidly-moving blades. Nevertheless, Fighter successfully used Sword-Chucks to fight Kary, the Fiend of Fire, to a standstill at no harm to himself. He had even successfully developed Sword-Chucks once before, but the timespan in which this happened was obliterated by the wizard Sarda, who altered reality in order to be able to eat his dinner without preparing it first.

It has been strongly suggested that Fighter may actually be more intelligent than he seems. Fighter sometimes has surprising random bursts of intellect; for example, he was able to read the Overcomplicatian (a dead language whose name perfetly describes it) writing on the entrance to Gurgu Volcano, discussed quantum theory and how it "describes how subatomic particles can pop into existence at random" and occasionally reveals moments of deep contemplation in his inner monologue. Further, he offers an amazingly insightful analysis of Black Mage's character and also knows a thing or two about airships. [4] He is also shown to be able to, at times, pick out the glaring flaws in the plans of others, especially those of Black Mage. [5] The least that can be said is that Fighter's mind is more complex than it first appears; in fact, it has been said that "Fighter is the smartest of the Light Warriors. He's just very stupid about it."

In the Castle of Ordeals, Fighter faced the representation of Sloth, who told him he had to stop accepting his sword fighting abilities as given and actively improve on them. He also had to learn to use his mind, as well as his blades; upon this revelation, Fighter immediately cut the Ordeal to pieces because his brain told him "this would be faster."

Afterwards, Fighter changed his class to a Knight, gaining the ability to whirl his swords at very high speeds (so high as to create sonic booms), as well as the ability to block attacks from hitting his comrades. Apparently, his intelligence has also increased, as he makes insightful comments much more frequently now. He has retained his naïveté, though.

Trivia

One of Fighter's first quests was to find the legendary "Armor of Invincibility." Thanks to a mishearing, he eventually received Matoya's "Armoire of Invincibility", which he carried until the weight became too great and he was crushed by it, surviving only due to the fact that the bottom of the Armoire of Invincibility was made from particle board. The Armoire of Invincibilty was then placed in a summoning materia (actually a Hypercube) and later used to defeat Vilbert von Vampire. It hasn't been seen or used since then.

Fighter once made guest comics for 8-Bit Theater starring himself while the author, Brian, was on vacation. The quality of the comics reflected his personality. He also keeps a journal of the Light Warriors' adventures, written in a naive and childlike style, which the readers have seen three times so far and once wrote a haiku of love for Princess Sara, which said, "I like swords and I like Sword-Chucks, but I like you very, very much."

According to Thief, Fighter's contract states that the insurance on Fighter pays double if Fighter dies by heroic act. (Prompting Black Mage to attempt to hug Thief.)

Fighter seems to have mastered every Zodiac Kenshido technique, including the Ram Form (on which Black Mage comments that it is nigh-impossible to do). This technique consists mainly of "breaking your opponent's equipment with your head before he breaks your head with his equipment." The incredible thickness of Fighter's skull is the only factor that allowed him to master such a technique.

As a child, Fighter lived near power lines and was fond of eating paint chips, which offers a possible, if clichéd, explanation for his lack of mental capability.

Thief, AKA Prince Elf, Clan Khee'Bler

A cunning and diabolically skilled pretty-boy thief and lawyer who was formerly known as the Prince of Elfland, Thief secretly left his kingdom in order to raise money for a cure for his dying father. He secured funds by stealing anything and everything around him that wasn't nailed down and on fire (and some things that were), pawning it all off and sending the money to his "overseas account". He also maneuvered Fighter into signing a binding contract over the then-forming Light Warriors, making Thief the permanent group leader and entitling him to first dibs on everything the group discovered, especially treasure. He rarely fights, preferring to let others do his work for him while he furthers the team's goals elsewhere in secret. When he is forced into combat, he can be seen using and twirling twin knives at high speeds. Thief also has a tendency to ambush opponents from above and delights in backstabs.

Thief and almost every other elf are incredibly egotistical. This observation might best be summed up in this conversation between two random elves:

• "Man, I don't have time for this. I'm a busy elf. I've got places to go, people to act superior to and elder-than-thou attitudes to express."
• "Oh, I know! People seem to think it's easy to perpetuate these Tolkien-esque stereotypes of haughty elves. In reality, it's VERY hard work."
• "Even if it does come quite naturally."
• "Which it certainly does!"

Elves firmly believe that they are superior to all other races and are happy not to know too much about them (for example, preferring not to know about "the incomprehensible mating rituals of filthy non-elves"). Their mythology goes so far as to explain that all other races and even some of the Gods exist in order to have gotten all the terrible genes out of the way so elves could be made as the ultimate creatures. However, Thief has implied that the elves were among the first races to populate the world, so this is a strange contradiction. Continuing the elven superiority complex, as well as their self-contradictory mythology, elves believe that the Gods made themselves in the image of elves. Despite their high opinions of themselves, Thief and elves in general are not above making stupid mistakes; for example, Thief failed to sufficiently answer the question as to why elves have technology on par with humans, despite having a 9,000-year head start.

Thief's extremely long life (possibly immortality) is tied to the status of the Earth itself. This is further developed when the Light Warriors visit Elfland and eventually defeat Lich, who was tainting the Earth Orb. When the situation with Thief's sick father was resolved, Thief continued stealing and scamming just because he could. He can steal almost anything, even if it isn't necessarily real; he attests that he can "steal souls and secrets." He has command of an elite group of elven warrior lawyers known as law-ninja, who help him enforce the various binding contracts he has over the team. He is also the inventor and copyright holder of "Super Ultra Fine Print", an extremely tiny font which he adds to every contract in which he is held responsible for something, allowing him to opt out of it (mostly by adding the word "not" or "do not" right before important sections). Finally, he is responsible for dissolving Elfland's collection agency and instituting the I.R.S. (International Revenue Service), which collects taxes from everyone in the world and audits those who can't come through with the money.

Thief shares with his race a pathological hatred for dwarves. This once earned him a brutal beating from Berserker, who almost killed him. Thief fell into his own personal Hell, where he had every single thing in the world, thus, depriving him of his ability to steal. It was at that moment when Thief met Raven, a trickster God, who managed to out-con Thief with a mysterious contract. The only other characters to ever trick Thief are Dr. Malpractice, Akbar and, recently, Red Mage.

Black Mage has a certain level of respect for Thief's willingness to wantonly ruin other people for his own gain -- even when one of those people is often Black Mage himself.

Thief was supposed to face the representation of Greed, or Avarice, in the Castle of Ordeals, but due to a mix-up, Black Mage ended up facing and beating it, making Thief the only Light Warrior who didn't actually face his personal ordeal.

When Thief changed his class to a Ninja, he gained the abilities to "throw anything" (including teammates) at foes and to counter-attack with blinding speed. He claims to have stolen his Class Change from the future, so he may also have gained improved stealing skills. Then again, Thief is a liar, so we may never know for sure.

Red Mage Statscowski

This character believes he is in a stat sheet RPG (such as D&D) and acts accordingly and fully within the rules of such a reality, often to the continued befuddlement and annoyance of the rest of the team (when playing Rock, Paper, Scissors against Vilbert, he rolled a natural 20 and subsequenly proclaimed his victory). He values — to the point of fetishism — being as versatile as possible, citing versatility as the reason for being a Red Mage in the first place. Red Mage possesses the ability to cast both White and Black Magic; unfortunately, he almost never cast his magic in the early days of the comic in order to stay versatile.

This trend stopped after White Mage points out that if he's dead, he loses all versatility. Since this revelation, Red Mage has been doing what Red Mages do — fulfilling a jack-of-all-trades position in the party. He used his melee battle skills in the initial fight against Drizz'L, used ice magic to kill a dragon (from the inside — it had eaten him) and has been consistently seen healing the party. This last is probably his main function, as none of the other Light Warriors have any curative powers.

Red Mage is the only Light Warrior aside from Fighter to show glimmers of a conscience, notably during Thief and Black Mage's attacks on Dwarf Land.

The "strategist" of the group, Red Mage's plans often fail horribly, due to the laws of physics and the actions of other people, though his stratagems surprisingly proved successful against both of the Four Fiends the Light Warriors have faced to date, possibly due to the ineptitude of the fiends themselves. One of his special talents is the Rite of Stat Swap, which allows him to erase and rearrange his statistics at a moment's notice on his character sheet. Examples include giving himself a +20 in Escapology in order to get out of a trap (after the actual escape), trying to heal a severely hurt Black Mage as a Beastmaster and changing his class to Thief in order to escape from Lich.

While the Light Warriors were stuck on the island of Cardia, Thief perfectly described Red Mage's way of thinking: "We'll be lucky if he doesn't destroy the island and claim success because we're no longer on it." This is true and standard for how Red Mage thinks (although in fact, the island remained intact during this particular instance — Red Mage bred Chocobos instead.).

Red Mage has occasionally shown himself to be a closet transvestite (naming himself Debora when he's in a dress, which occurs several times), a psychological complex that stemmed from his father disliking Red Mage for being a boy, or so it seemed. In reality, this complex was a figment of Red Mage's imagination, induced by the manipulative prowess of Thief.

Often, the Light Warriors will taunt their enemies before a battle. Red Mage usually tries to join in; (generally by using his enemy's name in a bad pun) however, not only are his taunts exceptionally bad, he also tends to explain them at length, taking away any potential humor.

Shortly after the fight with Kary, Red Mage chronicled several of the Light Warriors' attack methods. Specifically, he made thorough notes on the "Gladius Catena" (chained swords; Fighter's Sword-Chucks) and "Frigus IX" (his own Ice-9 spell). He intended to treat Black Mage's Hadoken the same way (referring to it as "Unda Pugneus" — "Wave of Stink"), but was too horrified when he learned that the Hadoken was fueled by love. ([6] and following.)

In the Castle of Ordeals, Red Mage had to face the representation of Hubris, or Pride. He ended up defeating it by admitting he was powerless before it, although he didn't actually grasp the concept — he immediately started gloating about his victory.

Red Mage was the first of the Light Warriors to change class; initially, it was thought he had become a Blue Mage because he was capable of firing a Hadoken back at Black Mage. However, experiments revealed that he had actually become a Mime, which enables him to copy an action once per time he sees it used.

Trivia

Despite his reputation of always making the worst conceivable plans, several of Red Mage's plans have worked. He coordinated the battle against Lich and, to a lesser extent, Kary; he formulated the plan to escape the world inside the Eye; he also bred Chocobos to escape from the island of Cardia.

Red Mage is also one of only four people in the entire world to ever out-con Thief, joining Raven, Akbar and Dr. Malpractice. Red Mage out-conned Thief by convincing him to "pimp his bird"; Thief promptly got his chocobo lowered by having its knees removed, among other things and made him a convertible. Note how a chocobo doesn't have a roof to begin with.

Friends, enemies and those they have met

The following characters have helped or hindered the Light Warriors in some way.

White Mage

A priestess and member of Project Fate, she is on a mission to help the Light Warriors succeed in saving the world, apparently to accomplish her destiny. There is ongoing tension with Black Mage's lustful attraction to her, resulting in her prompt violent responses (usually by hitting him with a large mallet). White Mage was sent to the beginning of time by Sarda the Sage and inadvertently created the universe. Now, after a discussion with the young Sarda billions of years ago, she has willed herself back to her own time. White Mage is generally only capable of casting healing spells, which has compensated for the sheer incompetence of the Light Warriors on multiple occasions; however, on one occasion, she has also cast a spell called "Holy Fire" on Black Mage.

Trivia

It has been stated that she enjoys Italian food and a run-in with a fire dragon had her reveal that Mexican food gives her heartburn.

(Evil) Princess Sara

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Princess Sara.

The Princess of Corneria, daughter of King Steve and Queen Jane and the heir to the Cornerian throne, Princess Sara has already been kidnapped about a half-dozen times by the time Garland gets to her. Her rescue is the first mission that King Steve gives to the Light Warriors. Although she appears to be a respectable princess, Sara hides a calculating and bloodthirsty nature. For this reason, she used her time as Garland's "prisoner" attempting to coach him into becoming a more competent villain.

After the Light Warriors "rescued" her, Sara demonstrated her incredible swordswomanship by single-handedly defeating a Giant, causing Fighter to proclaim himself in love with her. (Her reaction is never shown, though in one of her 'Ask Evil Princess Sara' responses, she gave amends to Fighter for expressing his love to her, "however meatheadedly and hamfistedly".)

Since then, Princess Sara has been putting up with her father's idiocy and planning ever more elaborate evil schemes; it is a true miracle that her father is still alive. A while back, she turned down an offer to take the fourth position in the then-forming Dark Warriors, which was eventually filled by Vilbert von Vampire.

She once tried to talk her father into using Corneria's power in an attempt to take over the world with peace rather then war. Her father, however, wasn't paying attention and tries to start a war.

Despite the fact that she is used to her father's stupidity, there are some occasions (like Episode 460) where she is caught off-guard by him.

King Steve

King Steve is the father of Princess Sara and a simple-minded lunatic who rules his country as a capricious despot out of pure madness. He was the one who first recruited the Light Warriors, his original plan being to send every applicant into the dangerous wilds to be slaughtered, with the survivors being the "true" Light Warriors. He was tricked by Black Mage into appointing the group after being shown the four fabled Orbs of Light (four recently-removed light bulbs) and being told that they were "Hot. Hot with destiny!" Among other things, he has devastated his country in an attempt to drill for mana, issued laws preventing anyone from criticizing his rule, which he then made it a law for everyone to call his rule perfect, believed he was running for election against a length of string (ignoring the fact that Corneria is a monarchy), talked to a coffee stain which he named Rodney and made his right hand man, forgot who his daughter was every time she came back from being kidnapped and has shoes made of babies' skin. He spends time trying to make an excuse to start a war. He also brags about having invented multiple things and concepts, such as imagination, eating and the concept of inventing itself. His latest invention is Waroween, a special holiday where he sends his army to rape, murder and loot in all other countries. He probably coined Corneria's national motto, "Screw other countries".

King Steve was a bit more intelligent before the Temple of Fiends incident, but afterwards, his insanity began to show.

Black Belt

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Black Belt.

An extremely skilled martial artist whose sense of orientation is all but non-existent. In addition, he is capable of defying the laws of physics by misunderstanding them. At least twice, this has led to warping the fabric of space, once even creating a second version of himself (which was promptly turned to stone by Black Mage). Black Belt was assigned to guard White Mage on her mission, but was later slaughtered when he attacked Kary, the Fiend of Fire, in Gurgu Volcano.

Black Belt's teachers (who have color palettes identical to Ken and Ryu from the Street Fighter video game series) identify the fighting style they and Black Belt use as Wu Xia. Black Belt himself described the prevailing theory of his school as the credo that an opponent who is too broken to move is an opponent who is defeated. He has also stated that his martial art is only effective against (even partly) humanoid enemies - for example, he would be able to fight Arachna-Dude or man-spiders, but not plain or giant spiders. This may also explain his failure to kill the Creep.

According to Clevinger, Black Belt is permanently dead; even so, many fans apparently had a hard time accepting this and came up with various theories how Black Belt could be revived, the most persistent of which was bringing the stone Black Belt back to life. In a later episode (entitled "Now Shut Up," which seems to indicate a certain amount of frustration on Clevinger's part), White Mage did indeed try this; however, the top of Black Belt's head had eroded away by then and he merely turned into a (very briefly) living blood fountain, later given a proper burial by White Mage.

Doctor Malpractice, Clan Sahn'Ta

Before Thief left Elfland, Doctor Malpractice told him just how serious his father's condition really was. During the Light Warriors' stay at the Corneria Inn, Thief dreams about this conversation. Later, when they arrive in Elfland, Doctor Malpractice is revealed to be a co-conspirator to manipulate the succession to Elfland's throne, all the while putting Thief's ill-gotten gains, which were supposedly used to fund research for the cure to King Elf's illness, into his own account. He told Chancellor Usurper that the money was sent by Elfland's foreign allies (which it does not have) and that it was being used to find an expensive and outlandish cure for an illness the prince (Thief) was supposedly suffering from. In reality, Malpractice had set up a ridiculously cheap decoy prince, disallowing visits to anyone but himself. When his plan was exposed, he escaped by horse, boat and airship (in that order, albeit taking the horse and boat along on the airship). Doctor Malpractice remains on the loose.

Matoya

File:Matoya8bit.gif

Matoya.

A blind witch who sends the Light Warriors on a side-quest to regain her Seeing Crystal after feeding them poisoned nightmare-inducing cookies, promising them an antidote if they return with it. She also grants Fighter the Armoire of Invincibility, instead of the Armor of Invincibility, due to her poor hearing. She is almost as greedy as Thief and one time almost tricked Thief into paying her the entire kingdom of Elfland in return for his father's cure; however, Thief actually managed to trick her by using Super Ultra Fine Print. Recently, it was discovered that Matoya has a romantic relationship with Bahamut, which disgusted the Light Warriors the moment she mentioned that a soup she was making for Bahamut was also a virility drug.

Trivia

Matoya stated that her blindness was caused by a demon who literally wanted to see things through her eyes.

Chancellor Usurper, Clan Sahn'Ta, AKA King Astos, Clan of the Dark Elves

Posing as the chancellor of Elfland, Astos sent the Light Warriors to Marsh Cave so his son, Drizz'L, could eliminate them. Upon their return, he revealed himself as the Dark Elf King. He had a plan to simply send Elfland into a modern dark age in revenge for centuries of oppression, but after being discovered, he revealed he would simply blame it on the Sahn'Ta elders, who would have been the ruling clan in Elfland. This plan would have sent Elfland into a civil war, with the added benefit that the elves would cut each other's throats. He was stopped by the Light Warriors, who killed him - unspectacularly and unintentionally - with an extremely lame pre-battle taunt.

Sarda the Sage

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Sarda preparing to use his powers.

The Wizard Who Did It and sole occupant of the Circle Cave, Sarda sends the Light Warriors on quests to recover the Four Orbs; unlike the game, where Lukahn and eleven other sages do that, while Sarda merely gives you the Rod. Sarda holds the Light Warriors to their "destiny", often using forceful means. He is an all-powerful wizard who, among other things, can reverse and stop time, as well as manipulate reality itself. He will readily do so out of sheer boredom, or just to screw people over. For example, humanity used to have 36-hour days, but Sarda reduced them to 24 just to make everyone hurry up. He never stops to think about the consequences of his actions. ("I wouldn't be the Wizard who Did it if I stopped to think about consequences.")

Sarda planned to be the original creator of the Universe, but White Mage got there first and set the Universe in motion by accident, ironically because Sarda thoughtlessly willed her away to a "pocket dimension" that was, unknown to him at that time, the Proto-Universe a few seconds before he got there. Thus, White Mage may be responsible for Sarda's insanity. When she traveled back in time and created the Universe, Sarda was a few moments late, having used all his power to get there and now, all he could do was wait till the Universe formed, since the universe obeyed someone else. He remained in the vacuum of space for billions of years, all alone. He began to talk to gas clouds and electromagnetic forces until the Earth formed and he finally found a cave to live in. During that time, he formed his plan to send White Mage to a pocket dimension if he ever encountered her again.

He also spent this time growing, on White Mage's suggestion, his impressive mustache. ("That's two weeks down. Just 14 billion years to go.")

Sarda is incredibly powerful and behaves in an incedibly anti-social manner. (This is probably due to White Mage inventing the Universe first - see above.) One of his trademarks is the use of incredibly painful spells (like holding everything but Black Mage still so he'd be ripped apart by the very air itself to shift him out of the cave, filling Black Mage's lungs with taffy or just making Black Mage's entire digestive tract crawl out of his mouth [common denominator:Black Mage]) and his extremely goofy spellcasting stance, shown to the left; this has become so trademark that Black Mage, after angering Sarda, notices him in his "stance" and declares "Oh, what have I done?" in a tone of absolute horror. Consider that Black Mage is very, very hard to terrorize (he regularly performs sacrifices to multiple Dark Gods, after all) and you can get an understanding of how much Sarda terrorizes the Light Warriors.

Trivia

Even though he is one of the most powerful beings in existence, Sarda has terrible penmanship. This once led the Light Warriors to Gorgu Volcano rather than Gurgu Volcano.

He is possessed, however, of some sort of wisdom; when he meets White Mage, he holds forth on a (bogus) explanation of the fact that White Mage is, essentially, the originator of the Big Bang and the life that followed it.

The Cultists

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L'Zlhe(left) and Mrr'Grt(right), two of the Cultists.

The Cultists lived on the Ice Continent, in the Ice Cave. They managed to capture the Light Warriors and imprison them within a dead Universe, thanks to The Eye, but the Light Warriors managed to break free and Black Mage slaughtered them. The Cultists resemble Wizards or Piscodemons from the original Final Fantasy (which, themselves, resemble illithids); however, they are wearing masks, considerably lessening their impressiveness. Further, their "old and powerful names" sound suspiciously feminine. It's unknown exactly how many Cultists there were, but several comic panels show at least 9, including the purple-robed Mrr'Grt (Margret), the apparent leader of the Cultists.

The Dark Warriors

The characters, Garland, Bikke, Drizz'L and Vilbert, are villains who have teamed up to destroy the Light Warriors. They are collectively referred to as "The Dark Warriors", but more commonly and accurately known as "The Dork Warriors". Each of the Dark Warriors has individually encountered the Light Warriors and attempted to kill them, but they have not collectively fought the Light Warriors.

They fit the idea of a persistent, yet bumbling, enemy that Final Fantasy has had from Final Fantasy V to Final Fantasy IX.

Garland

Garland, leader of the Dark Warriors.

The first villain faced by the Light Warriors, he is not very self-confident and overanxious to please and serve his supposed enemies. He ended up having to be assisted by Evil Princess Sara, the alter ego of the princess, whom he had kidnapped. After his first failed encounter with the Light Warriors, where he was nearly beaten to death by Black Belt, he formed the Dark Warriors, cultivated a new evil voice (one that does NOT hurt his throat) and began a propaganda campaign against the Light Warriors. He often expresses his desire to rule with "an iron, yet caring, fist." Garland is continually wrestling with his fear of Forest Imps, who, despite being the weakest creatures in the world, seem to possess 'clever little group tactics' in addition to an alarmingly malicious and cunning nature. Though therapy has convinced him that Forest Imps do not exist, the beasts still secretly torment him. Garland has the ability to summon huge creatures, including a giant squid, a dinosaur and a really big marmoset; the origin of these abilities is unknown. He also enjoys baking cookies, has a collection of rather disturbing motivational posters and enjoys reruns of The Golden Girls.

On the ship ride, Garland summoned the aforementioned monsters to kill the Light Warriors. However, Black Mage somehow managed to defeat them all by himself, despite his claims that he couldn't solo them, being a mage.

Trivia

Around the time the Light Warriors changed their classes, Garland claimed to have found a way for the Dark Warriors to obtain a class change of their own. As per his usual ineptitude, this turned out to be a simple switching of their clothes.

In the game, Garland is Chaos; in the comic, however, Garland and Chaos are likely completely separate from each other. Chaos is referred to as an already-existing entity throughout the comic. (Chaos even sends a demon to kill the Light Warriors before they become too powerful, as seen in Episode 165.) Brian Clevinger has stated, "I don't know if anyone will "become" Chaos." ([7]; note that this doesn't specifically rule out the possibility.)

His unevilness at the time leaves one to wonder how or why he kidnapped Princess Sara in the first place.

Garland received his degree in arch-villainy at "Barry's Correspondence School of Arch-Villainy".

Bikke the Pirate

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"The Claw".

Bikke is the hopelessly incompetent and dim-witted pirate captain who attacked Pravoka. A very cheap man, he killed his crew by feeding them nothing but Cheetos until they all succumbed to vitamin C deficiency and then, surrendered his poorly-maintained ship to the Light Warriors. He would have spent the money he saved gambling if he hadn't forgotten the funds on his ship. The second character to join the Dark Warriors, he desires to be called "The Claw", despite having two functional hands. Although he is a pirate captain, he cannot swim, making him a perfect member of the Dark Warriors. Bikke is known for his intense body odor and his tendency to use cliched pirate speech, characterized, for example, by interjecting "Yar" in every sentence.

On the ship ride, he attempted to kill the Light Warriors by crashing the ship into an iceberg. This was foiled by Black Mage, who used Hadoken, Bolt-3, Fire-3, Flare, Meteo and his knife to destroy all the icebergs.

He does, however, seem to be able to intimidate the other Dark Warriors, stating once that he valued their lives "only slightly less than dirt" and intimating that he would gladly kill them just because. He also forced Garland to laugh at his jokes at cutlass-point.

Prince Drizz'L, Clan of the Dark Elves

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Drizz'l, Prince of the Dark Elves.

A Dark Elf and the son of Astos, who was also in the Sahn'Ta Clan of Elves. His name, a parody of the name of fictional dark elf Drizzt Do'Urden, translates from Elven roughly into "The Relentless Scourge." Drizz'L is a sword master equal to Fighter (although this was before Fighter gained enlightenment and used Sword-Chucks and certainly before Fighter's class change), who he had fought to a standstill. He also trained and controlled the spiders of the Marsh Cave, including the deadly Camel Spider. After the Light Warriors mauled him and left him for dead, his swords were stolen by Fighter, who named them Stabby and Slashy and later used them to build Sword-Chucks, which he used in the fight against Kary. Despite continuing to call himself a master of sword fighting, Drizz'L never actually remembers losing these swords to Fighter and ends up embarrassing himself whenever he challenges someone, making him one of the most indispensable members of the Dark Warriors.

He became the third person to join the Dark Warriors so he could get revenge on the Light Warriors for killing Astos and because he suspects they've got connections to the Forest Elf Mafia, even though he doesn't have a shred of proof. Although he is one of the very few characters in the series with a clear(er) head, he's not above making stupid mistakes of his own. Of all people, Fighter tricked him into setting him free when his spiders captured the Light Warriors, he was suckered into buying a platypus from "Akbar's Discount True Guardian Outlet (Not Pathetic Creatures)" and he was fooled by Thief's flimsy assumed identity from Akbar's Very Effective Witness Protection Program, among other things. Despite his blunders, he considers himself the most intelligent member of the group and prefers not to associate with non-elves whenever possible.

On the ship ride, he attempted to kill the Light Warriors by having them clean cannons set to go off. His plan was foiled by Black Mage, who stuffed the cannons with so much gunpowder (apparently, in an attempt to erase any trace of Fighter's, Thief's and Red Mage's existence), the blasts cancelled each other out, despite Drizz'L's claim that this is impossible on several levels.

Vilbert von Vampire

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Vilbert von Vampire.

An intentionally pathetic poseur goth and vampire, son of Lich and fourth and final member of the Dark Warriors, he is equal to Red Mage in role-playing intensity, although he prefers LARP, as contrasted to Red Mage's stat-based lifestyle. He moved out of his parents' house and into their basement prior to meeting the Light Warriors; in addition, he enjoys writing horribly cliched goth poetry, making him a parody of the "poser goth kid" cliché.

Like any other vampire, he can be killed with a wooden stake. In an attempt to kill him, Fighter attacked him with a cow that was balanced on the end of a fence post and swung like a club (wood in steak). After this failed attempt, the Light Warriors drove the Armoire of Invincibility ("the mightiest stake in all the land") through most of his vital organs, then, his "Gothicular Membrane," stopping the recital of his awful poetry, but not actually killing him. This result was good enough for them, explaining his survival and later reappearance in the Dark Warriors, where he filled a position previously turned down by Princess Sara.

On the ship ride, his cunning plan to poison the Light Warriors failed when Garland threw the food Vilbert had poisoned away because it was, in Garland's words, "completely spoiled." (This was the only Dark Warrior attempt on the Light Warriors' lives that wasn't stopped by Black Mage.)

Trivia

His body parts are given odd names.

• Vilbert: My Dark Pancreas of the Damned shalt never be the same!
• Fighter: Yeah. And his Liver of Decay is completely shot.

Running gag characters

The following characters appear throughout the comic as a running gag of some sort, all of which started early in the comic. With the exception of Akbar, all running gag characters are characters whose lives have been made miserable either by the Light Warriors or causes related to them. The Author has stated that he likes to keep as much time as possible between the use of all running gag characters.

Onion Kid

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The Onion Kid.

Onion Kid is a child who always seems to be in a location that leaves him or his loved ones vulnerable to Black Mage.

Onion Kid has been traumatized multiple times during the course of the comic:

• The first time, he goes into shock at the sight of Black Mage's unveiled face. ([8] and following)
• Shortly after the above, he is mentally scarred again when he witnesses the scene of Black Mage's murder of two Cornerian city guards. ([9] and following)
• His family is killed in their sleep by Black Mage and Thief at the Elfland National Campgrounds in order to find body doubles so the Light Warriors can escape a plot to be murdered in their sleep themselves. ([10] and following)
• While visiting Crystal Lake, Black Mage butchers Onion Kid's first foster family, actually meeting Onion Kid afterwards and simply explaining, "Look, mistakes were made. But, hey, you've only got one family to lose." (despite the fact it was Onion Kid's second family) ([11])
• Out of anger, Black Mage destroys a barge full of medicines and food for dying orphans with a Hadoken. Coincidentially, the same giant cargo ship just happened to be going to the same orphanage Onion Kid lived in at the time; Onion Kid had told the orphanage master that he already lost his real family and then, his loving foster family to random violence. In response, the master told him that if something horrible happens to that ship, they'll know who to blame and therefore, who to kick out. ([12] and following)
• When Black Mage pushes an old man out of the airlock of the Light Warriors' airship, he lands on a house with such force as to kill everyone inside. The inhabitants were apparently the Onion Kid's new set of rich, loving adoptive foster parents. ([13] and following)

According to Brian Clevinger, Onion Kid is not through being tortured yet. It is interesting to note that every bad thing that has happened to him was, more or less, directly caused by Black Mage, although Black Mage never explicitly intends to harm the kid (which doesn't mean he cares what happens to him, of course). It's unclear if Onion Kid knows about the role Black Mage has played in his life (Onion Kid is seen trying to avoid Black Mage in Episode 72, but in all other instances, Onion Kid acts as if he hasn't ever seen or met Black Mage.), but Black Mage seems to recognize Onion Kid.

The Real Light Warriors

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The Real Light Warriors.

The Real Light Warriors are a party made up of a Knight, a Ninja, a Red Wizard and a White Wizard. These classes were likely chosen because of their common color scheme. Apart from the Knight, one of them is named Barry, who is often the one who gets blamed when they get in trouble. These four warriors were supposed to be the real Light Warriors of Destiny, as each possesses an actual Light Orb (seemingly unconnected to the Elemental Orbs the other Light Warriors are finding along their journey). They got passed over for the job by King Steve because their orbs weren't even "lukewarm with destiny", unlike Black Mage's light bulbs. The Real Light Warriors came to King Steve after the false Light Warriors did and the Knight blamed the others for suggesting that they 'level up first'. Since then, they've always been one step behind the heroes. They have been condemned to die in Elfland and then, rejected as the Bearded Warriors in Dwarf Land because their facial hair was "hardly destined at all". They also appeared to be working in a fast food joint. When they were last seen, the not-so-real Light Warriors stole their boat, leaving them stranded on a lifeless ice sheet. Their sprites are the respective class upgrades of Fighter, Thief, Red Mage and White Mage. The Real Light Warriors have been known to claim or think, during the many times things don't go their way, that they hate their lives.

Akbar

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Akbar.

A reference to Matt Groening's Life in Hell character, Akbar is a shopkeeper and master of rip-offs. Akbar delights in selling bogus items or offering shoddy services. He has sold many different flukes to the Light Warriors, including his amnesia dust, fake spells and a witness protection program. His stores consist of the following:

• Akbar's Discount Amnesia Dust Outlet (NOT talcum powder!) - This product was used by Thief on Black Mage and by Princess Sara on Fighter. Black Mage used black Amnesia Dust on Red Mage, but explained in the next panel that it was, in fact, gun powder that Black Mage proceeded to ignite.
• Akbar's Discount Nutrinal (sic) Outlet (NOT extremely unhealthy!) - Bikke was given the idea of feeding his crew Cheetos from this shop, being told that they have Vitamin C (the standard cure for scurvy) in them since they were orange.
• Akbar's Discount True Guardian Outlet (NOT pathetic creatures!) - Drizz'L was suckered into buying a platypus from this store. He apparently never saw the creature he bought until he let it loose on the Light Warriors.
• Akbar's Airships (NOT deathtraps!) - White Mage and Black Belt purchased an airship from this store. They apparently believed that even the Light Warriors were not stupid enough to go to a deathtrap store. In a later comic, the airship they purchased was shown to be a normal sailboat that was kept aloft by Black Belt flapping his arms.
• Akbar's Shop O' Magic (NOT one single fraudulent item!) - Black Mage bought three of a fake spell called "Mordekainen's Spell of Legit Hands" here, thinking it was a massage enhancer that White Mage wouldn't be able to resist.
• Akbar's Very Effective Witness Protection Program (NOT utterly useless!) - After Black Mage destroyed the barge, the Light Warriors bought assumed identities here.

Akbar has actually appeared as a character only twice, once when the Light Warriors choose Jeff's deathtraps over Akbar's store and once when Black Mage questions him on whether he is linked to the other Akbar stores, which he responds to with "I can legally answer by saying I know of them."

Whenever a character discovers the fault in Akbar's products, the scene shifts to Akbar standing in front of the respective shop yelling "Suckers!" While his first few shops were located in an area called Criminal City, the last three shops (thus far) have been on the Light Warriors' way.

The title of Episode 285 is "You'd think someone would have sued him by now". It is unclear why no one has yet, but one might assume that it is because, technically, he gives his customers exactly what he promised them.

The Messenger and Elite Royal Guard Hank

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The Messenger and Hank.

When the Light Warriors were returning Princess Sara to the kingdom of Corneria, several rangers and scouts were sent out to search for the returning party, but instead, they got drunk. So when one messenger returned to inform King Steve that Princess Sara had yet to be found, King Steve declared that, being the bearer of bad news, the Messenger would be put to death. He then assured the Messenger that he was joking and sent him on his way. After the Messenger left, King Steve called in Elite Royal Guard Hank and told him to "See to it that the messenger who was just in here is dead before he leaves the castle." Hank charged after the Messenger, leaving King Steve to muse, "Did I remember to tell Hank I was joking?" Occasionally, we see the Messenger deliver messages for King Steve, while still fleeing Hank, who is never far behind. The Messenger attempted to make a new life in the port town where the Light Warriors docked, only to have his cover blown by Drizz'L.

The Other Warriors

The characters, Ranger, Berserker, Cleric and Rogue, are another band of warriors, based on character classes from the Dungeons & Dragons games. They are collectively referred to as "The Other Warriors".

Generic Half-Elven Dual-Class Ranger

Generic Half-Elven Dual-Class Ranger.

A half-elf who is very poetic and adventurous, his poetics and wit put the charm on White Mage, making Black Mage jealous. He has a dual class, both of which is Ranger; this is already twice as much 'ranger' as the human body can hold, but, as pointed out by Red Mage, Ranger, being half-elf and half-human, has even four times the ranger that a human can hold. Ranger is extremely friendly and trusting, though a bit naïve. He is capable of firing multiple arrows at once, with uncanny accuracy. A strange story that he told White Mage implied that he was a deranged murderer, although no other evidence has come up to support this yet. [14]

Berserker Axinhed

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Berserker with a monocle.

In a cast of monodimensional characters, Berserker stands out because of a multiple personality. Normally a civilized, gentle dwarf and a great conversationalist when he is wearing a monocle, when he loses it, he flies into a blind rage, spouting vulgar words while mauling whomever may be nearby. On most occasions, that victim turns out to be Thief, though he never seems to recall his aggression. (Berserker:"I wouldn't characterize it quite--Great Moradin's beard! I don't mean to alarm you, sir, but there seems to be an axe lodged in your head, elf." Thief:"Ya don't say.") [15] Whenever the two bands of warriors meet up, Red Mage is usually delegated the task of talking to him, despite the fact that Red Mage not only hates him, but is utterly terrified of him, as well.

Cleric

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Cleric.

Cleric is a "miracle shopper" who makes deals with the Gods. To keep an open market, Cleric is impartial and does not have any favorites amongst the Gods, thus, explaining his atheism. Cleric made a deal with a God named Raven to bring Thief back to life; in return, the trickster God bestowed him with a "healing shiv", which has shown its worth in the healing of Thief.

Rogue

Rogue.

Not much is known about Rogue, besides the fact that, like Thief, he's constantly scamming people, including his own teammates. However, unlike Thief, who conducts his business through contracts and legal loopholes, Rogue apparently relies on a network of shady contacts (usually, he "knows a guy").

The Four Fiends

The characters, Lich, Kary, Kraken and Tiamat, are the evil elemental beings who are collectively referred to as "The Four Fiends". Kraken and Tiamat have not made an appearance in the comic yet, but since the comic roughly follows the plot of the game, it's safe to say they eventually will. The fiends are portrayed as far stronger than regular monsters; both Lich and Kary have managed to kill a main character, although Black Mage was later revived. Whenever a fiend appears, the comic takes a somewhat more serious air.

In Episode 686, Sarda told the Light Warriors to find the Orb of Water, which indicates Kraken as the next Fiend to appear in the comic.

Lich, Fiend of Earth

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Lich, Fiend of Earth.

An undead, immortal wizard and self-proclaimed "Master Bonescraftsman" who believes all things live to die and that the dead live to serve him.

Lich confronted the Light Warriors when they finally drove the Armoire of Invincibility into his son's (Vilbert's) heart (although since Vilbert returned, it is more probable that it hit his "gothicular membrane"). He killed Black Mage by throwing him into the armoire, breaking his spine. Lich had put his soul into the Earth Orb, rendering him immortal, but Thief, being able to steal anything not nailed down and on fire (as well as some things that are), got it out by invoking environmental law. Red Mage then tossed Lich's soul behind him, where Fighter caught it on his sword and drove it into Lich's undead body, stripping him of his immortality. A minute later, Black Mage, now the ruler of Hell, used his newfound powers to banish Lich there. Unfortunately for Black Mage, however, Lich was able to take Black Mage's usurped position. His departing words were, "Death is but a door. Time is but a window. I'll be back," a direct quote from Ghostbusters 2. Lich was last seen greeting his fellow fiend, Kary, as she entered Hell.

Kary, Fiend of Fire

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Kary, Fiend of Fire.

Kary is a fiend who enjoys indiscriminately killing people via combustion, feeling it's the only way to prove she's evil (aside from mailing postcards to everyone, encouraging them to visit Gurgu Volcano so she can kill them). However, she overdoes it and ends up killing all her minions with little, if any, provocation.

After being routed in battle, thanks to Fighter's stupidity, the Light Warriors, along with White Mage and Black Belt, were brought to Kary as her lunch. Kary had just killed off the last of her minions when she opened the sack they were brought in. As the warriors prepared to face her, Kary cut off their escape with a Wall of Flames. She then killed Black Belt by slicing him to pieces. When Thief returned from stealing the Fire Orb, while Fighter kept Kary busy with his newly-forged Sword-Chucks, Red Mage stuffed her into a bag of holding and cast Ice-9 (a reference to "Ice-9" from Kurt Vonnegut's novel, Cat's Cradle, apparent from the title of the episode it was first mentioned in, "Red Mage in the Cradle", though the spell name is also an extrapolation of the naming of spells in the first Final Fantasy games released in the U.S., which were named Ice-1, Ice-2, etc.), an enormously powerful Ice spell capable of freezing an entire Universe, into it. White Mage then shattered the frozen bag with her hammer, presumably destroying the bag and all its contents; much to the dismay of Thief, who had filled the bag with "more riches than actually exist." Kary was last seen being greeted by her fellow fiend, Lich, as she entered Hell.

The Gods

The following characters are all higher powers who have made contact with the Light Warriors.

Dr. Swordopolis

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Dr. Swordopolis.

Dr. Swordopolis is the very incarnation of all things sword, taking the form of a bespectacled sword that shows up occasionally in Fighter's dreams or day-dreams, trying to tell Fighter of his fate, but usually ends up being ignored, due to Fighter's short attention span. He is also capable of altering the fabric of space-time and can possess people, apparently by inserting himself into their anuses ("There has got to be a better way to possess these people"). The name 'Dr. Swordopolis' was made up for the purpose of negating Fighter's naïveté. Fighter thinks there is a close resemblance between Dr. Swordopolis and Doctor Who.

There has been speculation as to whether Swordopolis is just a figment of Fighter's imagination; though recently, it was confirmed that he is, in fact, a supernatural entity. This is evidenced when one of Black Mage's Dark Gods refers to "Swordopolis and his fool" as the opponents of himself and Black Mage. He shows up at random intervals all throughout the storyline.

Bahamut

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Bahamut, God-King of Dragons, while in 8-bit form.

Bahamut is the God-King of Dragons. He offered to give the Light Warriors "the power of self-realization and the power that comes with it" in exchange for the tail of the dreaded Dire Rat. When the Light Warriors brought him such a tail from the Castle of Ordeals, he granted their Class Changes. It later turned out that the reason Bahamut desired a rat tail was that rat tail soup is a potent virility drug, to be concocted by his girlfriend, Matoya; the mental image had a heavily disturbing effect on the Light Warriors. (It has been claimed several times by Fighter that earthquakes are caused by Bahamut and Matoya engaging in intercourse. [1]) Bahamut is also friends with Raven.

Raven

Raven is a totemistic representation of trickery. When Thief was nearly killed by Berserker, Raven tricked Thief into thinking he was dead. At the brink of dying, Thief's soul was in his own personal Hell, in which there was nothing to steal. Thief said that he would do "anything" to get out of the personal Hell he was in; subsequently, Raven got Thief to sign a contract, which Thief failed to read closely, effectively becoming the third character to out-con Thief, joining Doctor Malpractice and Akbar. Raven is also friends with Bahamut.

The Dark God

One of the Dark Gods Black Mage worships and the one who brought about his class change by freeing the nexus of power within Black Mage. He appears to be involved in some sort of rivalry with Dr. Swordopolis, as is implied when he mentions "Swordopolis and his fool", although the exact implications of this rivalry are still unclear. His official title is "Executive Assistant to Chaos", being one of many middle management deities in the organization of evil.

The Dark God is unnamed, but due to the fact that his sprite is that of Magus from Chrono Trigger, many fans call him by that name. On the other hand, in the comic, Black Mage made up the name "Darko, the Dark God of the Dark" in a (rather pathetic) attempt to convince his friends that he was, indeed, a Dark God.

Megahedron

Megahedron, who resembles a 20-sided die with sunglasses, appeared only once as Red Mage's patron deity. Red Mage, however, claims he is nothing more than a result of his "three-point hallucination flaw" (a reference to a series of RPGs stemming from a rule set by White Wolf) and it is currently unclear whether or not Megahedron will make another appearance and if he does, in fact, exist outside of Red Mage's mind (much like the controversy that surrounded Dr. Swordopolis prior to the Dark God's appearance).

Random encounters

This section lists minor monsters and enemies the Light Warriors have faced throughout the story.

The Giants

The Light Warriors have encountered three Giants on four separate occasions.

The first of these occasions was at the very beginning of the comic, when Black Mage and Fighter were in the Giant's Forest, looking for the Armor of Invincibility. Unsurprisingly, the forest was inhabited by a Giant, who attacked Black Mage and Fighter. Fighter tried to fight him on his own (not entirely voluntarily, as Black Mage simply ran away), but only wound up under the giant's club and, subsequently, received a brutal beating. Finally, Black Mage ended the battle by firing a Hadoken (the first instance of it in the comic), obliterating the Giant, as well as the entire forest.

The second encounter happened on the way back to Corneria Castle from the Temple of Fiends, with Princess Sara in the Light Warriors' midst. When trying to refute Red Mage's claim that a single step could prompt a random encounter, Black Mage inadvertently made a Giant appear. The Giant knocked out the Light Warriors one by one, each during their own attempt to fight the Giant. In the end, Princess Sara picked up Fighter's sword, leapt into battle and killed the Giant by beheading him and cutting his still-beating heart out of his chest. She then dragged the Light Warriors the rest of the way to Corneria Castle.

The third instance was when the group travelled to Elfland for the first time. The speedy arrival of the Light Warriors' ship, propelled by a "Boatdoken", prompted the elves to use their Giant Cannon, which literally fires Giants, using a flaming arrow to have a Giant home in on it from above. Thief was unable to toss the targeting arrow overboard in time and the ship, along with the Light Warriors, was sent flying into Elf Castle; into the women's barracks, to be precise.

The fourth and, to this date, final happening was on the way to Elfland the second time. During the Deathtrap's maiden voyage, even though Thief had it flying the Elven Flag of Truce, it still prompted another attack from the Giant Cannon. ("How convenient for them. They just happen to be flying toward Elfland and they just happen to have a flag of truce?! Sounds like an invasion fleet to me! These foreign devils have come to take away our beautiful elven women.") The targeting arrow touching the Deathtrap was enough to send it crashing down at two times terminal velocity. Black Mage was launched through the windshield upon impact without a scratch and used Feather-Fall to survive; he then found the targeting arrow and, seconds later, had the very same Giant from the previous time come down on top of him, pinning him under the arch of the Giant's foot. When Fighter, Thief and Red Mage had escaped from the Deathtrap's burning wreckage, they found the Giant and listened to his story about how the elves invaded his homeland (of which he was the rightful heir to the throne) and enslaved his people. The Giant promised that he and his people would be forever in the Light Warriors' debt if they helped him, much to Red Mage's delight; however, Fighter, single-mindedly focused on rescuing Black Mage, killed the Giant by throwing his sword through his head, knocking the Giant off of Black Mage and crushing Red Mage's dreams of commanding an army of Giants in one go.

The Undead

Shortly after battling the first Giant, Black Mage and Fighter encountered a group of various undead enemies. Having used up his daily Hadoken, Black Mage resorted to using the "Fighterdoken" and threw Fighter at the monsters; Fighter proceeded to kill them with the "Two-Fisted Monkey-Style Attack", making this the first instance of him using Zodiac Kenshido (in the comic).

The Werewolves

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The Werewolves.

The Werewolves are green wolves that pester the Light Warriors on their way to the Temple of Fiends to battle Garland. The Light Warriors couldn't do any damage to them at all, due to the fact that they had no silver or +1/+1 magical weapons. After mercilessly and quite easily mauling Red Mage, who refused to use any white magic to heal himself because he would have 1 less spell to cast if he did, they began to bicker with each other, even after they transformed into their ultimate "Crinos" (apparently pronounced 'cry-nos') form. They left arguing before White Mage and Black Belt showed up to heal Red Mage.

Baphomet

Baphomet was the Lord of Demons, sent by Chaos to destroy the Light Warriors before they became powerful enough to oppose him. He came upon them when they arrived at the entrance to Prontera, where Black Mage told him the Light Warriors were hiding in that very town. Baphomet, after killing some Pronterans with his eye lasers (the Pronterans stated that this was impossible, as they hadn't invented lasers yet; Baphomet's people, however, had), transformed his essence into raw obliteration to ensure the Light Warriors' destruction, wiping out the entire town of Prontera, but leaving the Light Warriors unharmed.

Baphomet, Prontera (and the Pronterans) and the "32-bit background" came from the game, Ragnarok.

The Creep

The Creep was a disgustingly deformed monster that the Light Warriors encountered on the way to Pravoka. During the battle, Fighter was pinned under the Armoire of Invincibility due to its weight, with the rest of the Light Warriors basically goofing off for several minutes. Black Belt tried to engage it, but wound up nearly being digested instead. When Black Mage danced on "Fighter's grave", White Mage became so enraged that she used him for a Holy Fire spell aimed at the Creep, causing a huge, fiery explosion. As the Light Warriors were launched a great distance away from where they were standing by the explosion, Thief remarked that "It even dies with a gross sound effect."

The Orc Zombie

On the way to Melmond shortly after recovering the Earth Orb, the Light Warriors encountered a creature demanding brains, who identified himself as an Orc Zombie. When Red Mage asked about his origin, the Orc Zombie answered, "Some jackass wizard [likely Sarda] did it." Black Mage soon went into a tirade about the plausibility of the monster's existence, but was really setting him up for a sneak attack, courtesy of Thief. Unfortunately, the Orc Zombie, being undead, had no vital organs, so Thief invoked Plan B:having Red Mage cast an Exit spell, but not before Thief crossed Black Mage off the list of active Light Warriors, leaving him behind according to the spell's mechanics. Black Mage used a Hadoken to destroy the Orc Zombie and the resulting explosion launched him to where the others were.

Rudy the Fire Dragon

Inside Gurgu Volcano, the Light Warriors were attacked by a Fire Dragon named Rudy. While White Mage and Black Belt were engaged in conversation, Red Mage feebly tried to battle the dragon, who eventually ate him. However, he seemed remorseful for the Light Warriors and White Mage, despite the fact that they had planned to abuse his generosity to acquire vast treasures or rare magical items. The Fire Dragon instead used his scales to make a suit of Fire Armor for Fighter, but then met his fate as Red Mage used an Ice spell to freeze his insides and shatter him.

The Eye

The Eye is a monster worshipped by the Cultists. It has the ability to send its enemies to a dimension where time and space are one (referencing one of the basic concepts of comics [16]). When the Light Warriors battled The Eye, they were absorbed into this dimension, but managed to escape by gathering multiple versions of themselves into a large army and, presumably, destroying the dimension.

The Eye later returned briefly, but was vanquished again by unknown means (Clevinger intentionally avoided narrating the second battle).

The Zombie Dragon

The Zombie Dragon was the Final Ordeal that the Light Warriors had to face in the Castle of Ordeals. At first, Red Mage cast 5 Haste spells on him, which Red Mage claimed would turn him into fossil fuel in a few seconds - if, that is, Haste spells worked like that. In reality, only the duration, not power, of Haste increases with each spell cast and Red Mage actually simply cast an illusion spell to see how it would look. Thief, who still did not believe in dragons, much less Zombie dragons, suggested taking out the pins that were holding him together. Realizing the Zombie Dragon was real after all, Thief opted for stealing three vertebrae from his neck, instead, causing the Zombie Dragon's head to fall off. Red Mage disposed of the Zombie Dragon's remains "in the ancient ways." Namely, he scattered and broke his bones before burying them and buried his head upside-down (as an extra measure, one he made up on the spot, at that) at a crossroads.

The Green Monster

File:Greenmonster.JPG

The Green Monster.

The Green Monster is the first enemy the Light Warriors encountered after their Class Change, picked specifically by Black Mage to test their new skills ("Anything that ugly wants to die"). During this battle, for the first time, we see Thief's new ability: to throw various objects (the object happens to be Black Mage). Black Mage also learned his first Blue Magic ability: the so-called Goblin Punch, which, in reality, was a hard kick to the genitals. After recovering, Black Mage used this attack on the monster, launching it skyward and ending the battle.

Minor characters

The following characters all have minor parts to play in the story.

Vargus

Fighter's sword master from Fighter's Camp '86. He sometimes appears in Fighter's flashbacks, attempting to teach Fighter advanced techniques to help the exact situation he is in, however Fighter would be seen watching TV while feigning interest (or making rude, however true, comments to his face during a poetry recitation). It is not known if the Fighter's Camp is still operational. An early comic shows that Vargus killed Fighter's inner child. The sprite used to represent Vargus is the same sprite that is now used to represent Fighter.

Vargus is the name of a boss from Final Fantasy VI, who was the son of a martial arts master.

Queen Jane

The Queen of Corneria. She has only showed up twice early in the comic, before the Light Warriors left for the Temple of Fiends. She is much more intelligent - and sane - than her husband, King Steve.

The Sulk

The Sulk is a parody of the comic book hero, "The Incredible Hulk" and a friend of Vilbert von Vampire. Sulk, as per his name, is rather emotionally down and could be considered goth. In his first appearance, The Sulk attempts to fight a giant the Light Warriors were facing, but leaves crying after being made fun of by Red Mage. He is next seen trying to return borrowed The Cure albums to Vilbert, but ends up getting arrested and being found guilty of murdering him.

Lame Superheroes

The Lame Superheroes, parodies of well-known comic book superheroes, include Arachna-Dude (a take-off of Spider-Man), Alloyed-Guy (a spoof on Iron Man), the Mediocre Four (a parody of the Fantastic Four) and the Sulk (see above). Red Mage has claimed that "between those guys and Sulk here, it's no wonder we need Light Warriors to save the world." Currently, The Sulk and Arachna-Dude are the only Lame Superheroes to have actually made cameos in the storyline. Note that Black Mage and Red Mage's discussions on fictional superhero battles center on real world superheroes, not the Lame ones.

King Elf, Clan Khee'Bler

Thief's father, who was poisoned by Astos and spent a little over a year in a deep sleep before the Light Warriors healed him using Matoya's antidote. He has a great deal in common with his son, particularly in his love of money and is, so far, one of the only people that Thief seems to truly care about, aside from himself. He seems to understand the importance of relighting the Elemental Orbs. (Even noting that perhaps Astos's ambitions were a pawn of fate.)

Jeff

Owner of "Jeff's Discount Deathtraps (Not to be confused with actual airships)". He sold the Light Warriors the Deathtrap, an airship that has become the Light Warriors' main mode of cross-continent transport, even though it frequently lives up to its name. Thief and Red Mage have made Jeff an honorary 5th Light Warrior after he kicked Black Mage in the head trying to make a sale (Jeff: "So what's it going to take to get you boys in a Deathtrap today?" Black Mage: "A sudden and complete loss of common sense, perhaps due to a swift kick in the head."). Like with Akbar, his name is a reference to Matt Groening's Life in Hell character.

Deathtrap Airship

The Light Warriors' main mode of transportation. The Deathtrap itself is not a true "character" in the traditional sense, but it does have certain "quirks" that have endeared it to the Light Warriors. While it has gotten them to a host of quests, every flight thus far has ended in a crash -- sometimes at twice terminal velocity. Even so, none of the Light Warriors have been injured as a direct result of a crash. The ship also remained relativly intact despite these repeated high speed impacts with the Earth. There have actually been three Deathtrap airships throughout the series.

The first Deathtrap was sold to the Light Warriors by Jeff, the honorary "Fifth Light Warrior." It was obliterated upon impact seconds after Black Mage cast Hadoken to cushion the fall of the Deathtrap to save the lives of those on board.

The second Deathtrap was conjured by Sarda with several notable improvements such as an autopilot system and radio. This one was destroyed when Black Mage cast Hadoken while still inside of the craft. He intended to kill Red Mage out of sheer rage, thinking that Red Mage had wasted their time, risked their lives, and exposed them to the secret of earthquakes for what appeared to have been an ultimately useless quest. Namely, the Rat Tail quest from Bahamut.

A third Deathtrap was recently summoned by Sarda who claimed that it was no mere airship, but rather an "air-sub". With it, the Light Warriors could travel to the bottom of the ocean to retrieve the Water Orb. Sarda also briefly mentioned that using the air-sub underwater would instantly kill all on board, clearly marking this as the heir to the "Deathtrap" legacy. This latest Deathtrap crashed almost immediately after take off, "landing" near a town. There appeared to be no injuries and, while damage to the craft itself was undetermined, Thief set it ablaze.

King Dwarf

The ruler of Dwarf Land, he decided to enlist the aid of the Bearded Warriors (who were actually the Light Warriors in disguise) when a series of fires spelling out "youarenex-" (caused by Black Mage and Thief) threatened to wipe out his kingdom. Black Mage and Thief never got a chance to finish the T, but during a speech by King Dwarf held some outside of Dwarf Land, Black Mage accidentally destroyed the newly-rebuilt Dwarf Land with a badly aimed Meteor spell, which simultaneously killed every single architect, engineer and scholar in the kingdom.

Gary

King Steve's left hand man (because his right hand man is now and always will be Rodney the Coffee Stain). He's often disturbed by King Steve's stupidity and cruelty; however, as the king's left hand man, he feels obliged to help the king and do whatever he is told to do, which often goes against what he feels should be done.